Anime, Kevin Rudd and the censorship saga

Dateline recently did a very interesting (albeit disturbing) story about the emergence of a new anime style. With a decline in revenue and Japan's ageing population, there are animators who've turned their hand to what they describe as anime of the 'soft-core genre'. But let's cut the P/C bullshit. Really, it's anime porn!

And it has left the Japanese industry divided. On one side of the fence, there is the need to rack in some cash and they've been given the opportunity to cater for a financially well-endowed audience.
But then there's the catch: "Anime porn comes in forms that escape the rules covering photos and live-action videos, even when children are depicted sexually..."
Not all 'late night anime' is this way inclined, but it's growing.

I wonder what comments Mr Rudd would pass on this phenomenon. His Labour Party are certainly not scared to pass judgement on issues of censorship. Their proposed internet filter has stirred up much debate and even more resistance. The United States is now the latest band wagon jumper with both the US ambassador to Australia and a US State Department spokesman raising concerns over the Rudd Administration's new policy.
Their claim: "it runs contrary to (our) policy of encouraging an open internet to promote economic growth and security".
Concerns that mirror my own. Personally, I believe there are four major accusations that the government needs to stand trial for:

1. The filter will strangle free-speech on the internet, potentially blacklisting websites that may very well be controversial, but pose no real threats to 'innocent eyes'. 
2. Who controls the blacklist? Mr. Rudd claims there will be an independent board monitoring it, but conspiracy theorists like to suggest that there will inevitably be Government involvement. For once, I'm inclined to believe them.
3. There will be a significant and noticeable reduction on internet speed.
4. Internet users will ALWAYS find a way around it, rendering the filter useless. 

Points one to three raise moral and pragmatic issues that will forever be debated - even if the filter is abandoned - but it's the fourth issue that troubles me the most, simply because Stephen Conroy made the proclamation last year that "our pilot, and the experience of ISPs in many western democracies, shows that ISP level-filtering of a defined list of URLs can be delivered with 100 per cent accuracy." A comment like this (daring to use the phrase '100 per cent') can only be made by someone who is blindly faithful to their cause, who accepts what they're told is the divine truth, who hears only what he wants to hear. He is, for the lack of a better phrase, a cyber-safety evangelist.

Now anime has evolved in its 93 years from a small number of curious Japanese animators who were inspired by 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' to (amongst other things) today's porn industry. There have been people - both in the industry and in the audience - who saw the demand for it, found the loop holes and established the means by which the (not so) 'soft-core' stuff could be produced.

The internet is no different.

And with the Government's filter described by many as draconian, there will inevitably be programmers who'll see themselves as the freedom fighters and martyrs of cyberspace, and will do all they can to circumvent the firewall. Likewise, there will be less-than-legitimate companies and individuals whose sole goal will be to hack their way through this system and simply go 'back to business as usual.' They will see the demands, find the loop holes and establish the means by which the net can be accessed.

And so it goes; as long as there is an audience, there will be anime porn. As long as there are users who want an uncensored internet, there will be internet hackers. And that filter, Mr Rudd, is just a red flag to the bull - and you, the inexperienced matador holding it.

"That, son, is called a brothel"

Those are the words that should have come out of the father's mouth, but no. Instead it was a somewhat awkward (though highly amusing) conversation. At least it was for me.

***

Now it's no secret that there are about six or seven brothels in my area. For the record, I have not frequented ANY of them and therefore can't say with any authority how many do actually exist. I know of two because they have public faces. The rest are the stuff of gossip and urban legend, though I'm inclined to think they probably are around.

Of the two registered brothels, one has a website (obviously believing they're real high brow). I came to know of the other through the mail. Not that it was one of those dodgy advertising leaflets. No, it was in fact a letter addressed directly to me; sent by my local council. Very thoughtful of them, wouldn't you say?

One of the brothels on our main street was planning some renovations and under current legislation all local residents must be informed; allowing them the opportunity to provide feedback. As part of the information pack they mailed me, a floor-plan of the proposed renovations was provided.

A note, ladies and gentlemen: brothels don't house bedrooms. Nor do they house bathrooms. A brothel's bedrooms are actually known as "service areas". Their bathrooms are described as "wash rooms".

Until this point, I had always thought there was a brothel down there somewhere; that the Chinese massage parlour probably came with happy endings, but I'd never really bothered to investigate. Now I knew not only of its existence, but its exact address, the number of customers they could service at any one point in time and where the closest fire exits were.

Two months later I got that same letter, this time with a footnote informing me I only had six weeks to provide feedback. One month after that I got ANOTHER letter reminding me there was now only a fortnight till the deadline. Now in case I hadn't fully appreciated what the first letter was saying - that there was a brothel in town and it was getting an upgrade, then by the third letter I sure as hell knew pretty much every single detail of it. Talk about free advertising!

***

Walking home the other day, I passed a father and son who were actually standing outside that very brothel. The kid, probably seven years old, had asked,

"Dad, what do they sell here?"

The poor man! I wasn't able to hear his whole answer (as I didn't want to be caught eaves dropping) but I heard phrases like "keep men happy..." and "make you feel good with their hands"... all phrases that drew unfathomably large frowns of confusion from the boy. There was no direct answer. And every time the dad used another abstract expression for sex or blowjob, I could see the boy wanting to interject with even more questions.

And the more the dad talked, the more curious the son got, and the more I was reminded of the council's letters.

"Keep talking Dad, and you're going to end up as some free advertising yourself."

My top 10 tips for safe slurpee consumption

It was pointed out to me that my last slurpee blog was uploaded the very same day that Sydney's time-trials were being held for the national slurp-off competition. The current record-holder, 'Ice Man', managed to down one in 52 seconds and is now throwing down the gauntlet to all Australians. 

So a crown will be bestowed upon our new Australian champion on 26th May amidst much ice, confetti and all things slushee. Now I'm in no way suggest anyone EVER attempt this. There are yet to be any medical studies done on the permanent damage done by brain freezes and could you imagine the type of brain freeze you'd get! 

My two recent forays into slurpee drinking have convinced me that it is in fact a dangerous  past-time that should be exercised with caution. And for that reason, I thought this blog would be an ideal way to educate people on how to consume slurpees responsibly. So my top ten tips for safe slurpee consumption are:

1. Don't be scared to push those pre-pubescent boys away from the slurpee machine. The 7-Eleven is their mecca, the slushee their shrine, and would quite happily stand there all day, oblivious to anyone else who may want access to it. 
2. Put the lid on the cup BEFORE you fill it up. Once it has been filled, the cup walls becomes soft and will not hold their shape.
3. If you decide to fill the ice level above the rim of the cup, then you have a three minute lee-way before the ice starts melting and you run the high risk of leakage. And nobody wants sticky fingers.
4. Carry a serviette or tissue with you at all times. Slurpees can be a messy business.
5. Don't be scared to mix flavours, but be warned: coke and mountain-dew do not mix well together. Coke and raspberry do.
6. Take two slurps, then a breath. If you have have three slurps in a row then you're pretty much guaranteed a throat freeze and will need 30 seconds 'time-out' to recover.
7. Keep swirling the slurpee as you drink. This will ensure the flavouring does not all seep to the bottom.   
8. Do not run while slurping. Not only will you risk spillage, but if you fall then you could suffer from straw induced injuries in your mouth.   
9. When you reach the dregs of the cup, don't bother with the spoon/straw. Pop off the lid and just pour it straight down your throat. It should have melted enough by then to avoid brain freezes.
10. If you do encounter a brain freeze, either rub the base of your skull with your hand or press your tongue against the roof of your mouth. This will hopefully relieve the symptoms. 

The Great Slurpee War

I have a serious medical condition. Incredibly debilitating, an onset of it can strike anytime - with no warning - and can last for days at a time. If you were to consult a medical dictionary, you'd find it listed as a McFlaving, otherwise quite simply known as 'McFlurry cravings'; whereby the sufferer can think about nothing else except devouring one of McDonald's finest desserts. (Much, much better than those sundaes they serve.) Of course, I'm unable to satisfy this urge as I don't live near a McDonald's. And for the sake of my wallet this is probably a good thing.

But recently I have been battling another debilitating disorder. I once suffered from this same disorder as a child, but it went into remission when I hit adolescence. That is, until two months ago when my local medical centre moved down the road, leaving an empty lot for some weeks. There was much speculation as to who would be adopting this space... and what was eventually unveiled drew gasps of awe from passer-bys, sparked much conversation amongst the locals and brought a few frowns from the old folk. For it was a 7-Eleven store!

I remember the day it opened. It was 1.00am Saturday, 27th March. I was en route home after a big night out and there were four drunken boys stumbling along in front of me. Suddenly they stopped and one of them declared to his mates,

"Mecca has opened!" 

Too right it had. There was no denying the neon glow flooding the street. While the four boys headed straight through the 'doors to heaven' I tried my best to use some restraint and headed off up the road. 

It was then that I knew I was in trouble. It took less than 24 hours for this disorder to re-emerge and at 7.24pm that night I submitted to temptation. I had a slurpee!

It was McFlavings all over again, only this time the McFlurry was taking a backseat to 7-Eleven's forte: the slurpee. For the following fortnight I tried my best to walk past the store, eyes front, ignoring the voices inside my head screaming 'slurpee'.

But at 3.04pm last Saturday I gave in once again. Now I've suffered from many addictions over the years; alcohol, inappropriate jokes, McFlurries... but this latest addiction has me worried. With a slurpee machine open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, 50 metres away from my front door, I'm scared my latest addiction may become a REAL affliction.